Acknowledging denial and coming to terms with loss

March 6, 2023

Grief is the anguish we feel when we experience a significant loss in our lives, like the death of a loved one, a serious medical diagnosis, or even the loss of a comfort item. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.

Whatever type of loss, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But by understanding the types and stages of grief, you can find healthier ways to cope.

The “first stage” of grief is denial. Denial looks like “refusing to talk about the loss or talk about the person,” school psychologist Mariah Koons said. “Even busying yourself with other things and tasks are ways that that shows up.”

Many people may experience denial in different ways, but that should not take away from the fact that they are still grieving. “It’s not really a linear process and that you can go in between or get stuck in one for longer or even skip over some, just depends on the person,” Koons said.

According to Very Well Mind, denial is a defense mechanism that helps minimize the pain of the loss that you are suffering from. “It is hard for our mind to accept that someone we love and care for has died,” school counselor Brandi Cosgrove said.

It is natural for our bodies to go through denial when grieving, however, it’s important to not stay there too long because then it can become dangerous to our mental states. One tell-tale sign that denial is starting to become a dangerous habit is if someone is “continuing on as if their loved one is still alive and they are losing touch with reality,” according to Cosgrove.

Losing a loved one is very hard, especially when it happens unexpectedly. One thing that people need to remember is that feeling strong and intense emotions during that time is normal. “Screaming, yelling, crying, being angry are all normal responses to the loss of a loved one,” Cosgrove said.

“The hard times are not permanent and the way you are feeling is valid. You should allow yourself to fully feel your emotions,” senior Abbi Cherteiny who lost her grandmother said.

One way to begin the healing process is to recognize that you are in denial. After that, it may feel like you are overwhelmed with all of the emotions that you are feeling.

“It is important to surround yourself with loved ones as you deal with the trauma of losing a loved one” said Cosgrove.

Dr. Aimee Daramus from Very Well Mind shared that there is many different ways for you to overcome denial. In order to overcome denial you have to give it time. “Everyone heals on their own timeline and some people take longer than others to cope,” she said.

When trying to get past the denial stage of grief, it’s important to remember the good times that you had with the person you are grieving. “I try and think about the consequences of the event, and appreciate the good things about the person that I lost,” freshman Audrey Ames who lost a close family member said.

It’s important to continue to check on your friends and family who might have experienced loss in their lives. Be aware of the warning signs and try your best to be there for them because a stable relationship will be what helps them to overcome denial and continue to heal throughout the grieving process.

“Everyone deals with loss and denial differently, but don’t let it consume you,” Ames said. “Make sure that you don’t lose track of yourself during the healing process.”