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Grappling with grief
March 6, 2023
In this series, Alysha Wallace takes a deep dive into each stage of grief where she learns about what each stage looks like and how to cope with grief in healthy ways.
Acknowledging denial and coming to terms with loss
Grief is the anguish we feel when we experience a significant loss in our lives, like the death of a loved one, a serious medical diagnosis, or even the loss of a comfort item. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.
Whatever type of loss, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. But by understanding the types and stages of grief, you can find healthier ways to cope.
The “first stage” of grief is denial. Denial looks like “refusing to talk about the loss or talk about the person,” school psychologist Mariah Koons said. “Even busying yourself with other things and tasks are ways that that shows up.”
Many people may experience denial in different ways, but that should not take away from the fact that they are still grieving. “It’s not really a linear process and that you can go in between or get stuck in one for longer or even skip over some, just depends on the person,” Koons said.
According to Very Well Mind, denial is a defense mechanism that helps minimize the pain of the loss that you are suffering from. “It is hard for our mind to accept that someone we love and care for has died,” school counselor Brandi Cosgrove said.
It is natural for our bodies to go through denial when grieving, however, it’s important to not stay there too long because then it can become dangerous to our mental states. One tell-tale sign that denial is starting to become a dangerous habit is if someone is “continuing on as if their loved one is still alive and they are losing touch with reality,” according to Cosgrove.
Losing a loved one is very hard, especially when it happens unexpectedly. One thing that people need to remember is that feeling strong and intense emotions during that time is normal. “Screaming, yelling, crying, being angry are all normal responses to the loss of a loved one,” Cosgrove said.
“The hard times are not permanent and the way you are feeling is valid. You should allow yourself to fully feel your emotions,” senior Abbi Cherteiny who lost her grandmother said.
One way to begin the healing process is to recognize that you are in denial. After that, it may feel like you are overwhelmed with all of the emotions that you are feeling.
“It is important to surround yourself with loved ones as you deal with the trauma of losing a loved one” said Cosgrove.
Dr. Aimee Daramus from Very Well Mind shared that there is many different ways for you to overcome denial. In order to overcome denial you have to give it time. “Everyone heals on their own timeline and some people take longer than others to cope,” she said.
When trying to get past the denial stage of grief, it’s important to remember the good times that you had with the person you are grieving. “I try and think about the consequences of the event, and appreciate the good things about the person that I lost,” freshman Audrey Ames who lost a close family member said.
It’s important to continue to check on your friends and family who might have experienced loss in their lives. Be aware of the warning signs and try your best to be there for them because a stable relationship will be what helps them to overcome denial and continue to heal throughout the grieving process.
“Everyone deals with loss and denial differently, but don’t let it consume you,” Ames said. “Make sure that you don’t lose track of yourself during the healing process.”
What to expect with anger and how to cope in the grieving process
Grief is the emotional state we experience after some type of loss. Most of the time when grief is mentioned, our brains immediately go to some type of death. While grief appears in these situations, there are other things that someone might begin to grieve.
“We can experience grief and loss when someone/something dies, when we move, when someone else moves, when we change schools, when our job changes, when the role we fulfill in our friend group changes, or when our expectation about the future shifts” school psychiatrist Karissa Brenneman said.
With each stage of grief comes different reactions and coping mechanisms. The “second stage” of grief is anger. “Some people express anger outwardly by breaking things or screaming or hitting something. Someone may yell at others or they may yell privately at the thought of their loved one who has passed,” guidance counselor Brandi Cosgrove said. “Some people may even take emotions and anger out on themselves in the form of self-harm.”
According to Very Well Mind, anger is manifested as a control-seeking behavior and allows us to seek temporary control of our environment by asserting aggression to avoid feelings of helplessness.
“Sometimes we’re angry at others and anger mixes with blame; in these situations, I think a lot of times people are looking for a reason that the event happened,” Brenneman said. “If they can nail down a reason, they can understand how it happened and take steps to make sure it never happens again.”
While anger is a valid emotion and part of the grieving process, it is important to find healthy ways to cope as well. “Healthy coping skills include anything that connects you to other people,” said Brenneman. “Support groups, individual therapy and other meditative/religious practices are a great way that people can process these experiences.”
Other ways to cope could include “screaming into a pillow, punching a couch cushion, punching a punching bag, exercising, writing a letter and then burning it, and breaking things that are of no value,” Cosgrove said.
Some warning signs to look out for when going through the anger phase of grief would include “getting into arguments with our loved ones, yelling at them, screaming at them, breaking things and/or even getting physical with them,” said Cosgrove.
These signs show the dangers of anger in the process. “Grief can sometimes move into depressive episodes that can be dangerous in many ways – long term depression is physically stressful and can lead into hopelessness and suicidal ideation which is of course dangerous,” said Brenneman.
“I had been grieving over my car accident, it had really put me in a hard place with myself and all of my friends,” sophomore Georgia Coffey said. “ I had been angry with myself because I messed up what was in my control.”
It is important to try to find help and a way out of a dangerous state of mind. “Everyone has their ups and downs, that is what makes us stronger and find new abilities,” Coffey said.