What to expect with anger and how to cope in the grieving process

Grief is the emotional state we experience after some type of loss. Most of the time when grief is mentioned, our brains immediately go to some type of death. While grief appears in these situations, there are other things that someone might begin to grieve. 

“We can experience grief and loss when someone/something dies, when we move, when someone else moves, when we change schools, when our job changes, when the role we fulfill in our friend group changes, or when our expectation about the future shifts” school psychiatrist Karissa Brenneman said.

With each stage of grief comes different reactions and coping mechanisms. The “second stage” of grief is anger. “Some people express anger outwardly by breaking things or screaming or hitting something. Someone may yell at others or they may yell privately at the thought of their loved one who has passed,” guidance counselor Brandi Cosgrove said. “Some people may even take emotions and anger out on themselves in the form of self-harm.”

According to Very Well Mind, anger is manifested as a control-seeking behavior and allows us to seek temporary control of our environment by asserting aggression to avoid feelings of helplessness. 

“Sometimes we’re angry at others and anger mixes with blame; in these situations, I think a lot of times people are looking for a reason that the event happened,” Brenneman said. “If they can nail down a reason, they can understand how it happened and take steps to make sure it never happens again.”

While anger is a valid emotion and part of the grieving process, it is important to find healthy ways to cope as well. “Healthy coping skills include anything that connects you to other people,” said Brenneman. “Support groups, individual therapy and other meditative/religious practices are a great way that people can process these experiences.”

Other ways to cope could include “screaming into a pillow, punching a couch cushion, punching a punching bag, exercising, writing a letter and then burning it, and breaking things that are of no value,” Cosgrove said.

Some warning signs to look out for when going through the anger phase of grief would include “getting into arguments with our loved ones, yelling at them, screaming at them, breaking things and/or even getting physical with them,” said Cosgrove. 

These signs show the dangers of anger in the process. “Grief can sometimes move into depressive episodes that can be dangerous in many ways – long term depression is physically stressful and can lead into hopelessness and suicidal ideation which is of course dangerous,” said Brenneman.

“I had been grieving over my car accident, it had really put me in a hard place with myself and all of my friends,” sophomore Georgia Coffey said. “ I had been angry with myself because I messed up what was in my control.”

It is important to try to find help and a way out of a dangerous state of mind. “Everyone has their ups and downs, that is what makes us stronger and find new abilities,” Coffey said.